Who is This Woman, and Where is My Wife?

So you're going to be a dad and your wife has been replaced by an alien clone android whose emotion chip is on the fritz.  Our wives have always been emotional at times, moody at worst, but nothing like this. We can be talking and everything is fine, and then out of nowhere she starts crying.  Other times it’s more subtle.  You how women have something they want to talk about, but aren't going to come out and say anything?  For some reason they want you to be the one to start the conversation.  You know what I'm talking about...

Long Sigh

Sweetheart, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing, are you sure?

Yeah.

Ok then.

Pause 

Sigh

Are sure there is nothing wrong?

Yes.

Pause

I’m going to be a terrible Mother

What? Why do you think that?

Because I am.

Amazing logic. 

Of course, if you have been married for a while the conversation may go more like this.

Long sigh

Anything wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Ok.

Sigh

Longer sigh

Really long sigh

(all Caps) I am going to be a terrible mother okay.

It won't always be her mothering abilities, but it will always be a baseless, self-berating comment.   Now you may never actually find yourself debating your wife mothering abilities, but there are going to be times when she is going to be depressed.  At times maybe even clinically depressed.  

One woman would have long periods where she wouldn't eat or do anything.  She would only get out of bed to go sit in the recliner and talk about how she didn't want to be pregnant anymore and she just wanted to cut the baby out.  Now her case is one of the more extreme, your wife's case may be very minor, but regardless every woman will experience depression in some form during her pregnancy.  

This is not anything to be afraid of; it’s all part of the normal transformation that your wife's body is going through to carry the baby that is growing inside her.  If you can imagine a manufacturing plant that has its normal set of products that it produces. Everything for the most part is working smoothly, then it comes down that, in addition to normal operation, you also need to work on a special "project". You can imagine the chaos and disorder that would follow as arrangements are made and regular operations adjusted and moved to accommodate the new "project."  It’s that chemical confusion and upheaval that is going on in your wife's body.

So now you know what’s going on behind the scenes, but what do you do about it?

Don't try and fix it – It’s going to be hard because when we see the love of our life upset, our first response is to fix it.  We want to know what we can do, or bring her, or say to make her feel better.  But fact is there nothing you can do to make her feel better. This is just something that she has to go through.  Just as if she had the flu there is nothing that you can do to make her better faster.  You just cling to knowledge that she will come out of it in time.

(obviously in severe cases, when your wife or the baby are in danger, seek medical help.)

Be there for her - As guys, our next inclination is going to be to leave. If there is nothing for us to fix, we'll move on.  After all, who wants to be around someone who is whiny and depressed, but the truth is, she needs you.  Now I'm not saying that you can't leave her at all.  There are going to be things that have to get done and errands that need ran.  I'm referring to the times when you could be with her, but would rather be somewhere else. Checking emails, watching TV, even reading your favorite blogs; as much as you can, try to do those activities in the same room as your wife.  You even don't have to try and start a conversation, honestly she probably won't be in the mood for talking anyway. Just be there. 

Be an encourager – This is going to be a tricky one, because when you’re around someone that is depressed or discouraged that kind of attitude can be contagious.  It wears on you.  Don’t let this happen.  If you feel this happening to you, leave.  Get up for a minute and take a break.  You are there to raise her spirits as and you can’t do that if you are slipping down to her level. 

But as much as you can, be a positive influence for her.  If she says something about how she is going to be a terrible mother, just calmly tell her that you think she’ll be a great mother.  If she refuses or denies your compliment, just let it go.  Don’t allow your encouragements to turn into an argument.  Your goal isn’t to win a battle.  You can’t reason your wife out of her depression.  All you want to do is poke holes into the canopy of her depression so when she looks up, she can see glimmers of your love shining through.

1   Its tough at times, but you get through it, because when you look at her you remember how much you love her.  It’s that love that sees you through the darkest times.

2  There are going to be some tough times ahead, but hang in there and you’ll get through this storm.  She is still the woman you fell in love with, she is just going through a tough time.  After all, if you think what you’re going through is bad, can you imagine what it is like for her?

Just remember