Midwife vs. OBGYN - 3 of 3

So you’re going to be a dad and your wife comes to you and says “What do you think about using a midwife to deliver our baby?”. 

This is the 3^rd installment of a 3 part series.  It is a collaboration of what my wife and I learned from the three midwifes we interviewed as well as the experiences of several other couples who have had kids in the past 12 months and used a variety of OBYGNs and midwives

Difference 3 - Mindset

Once again I remind you that these are just generalities.  Not all doctors fit into this description, nor do all midwives, but this kind of gives you an idea of where each of them come from.

Medical doctors come from the mindset of figuring out what can they do or give you to make you better as quickly as possible.  Doctors are very busy people, especially OBGYNs. They see a lot of patients every day and then on top of that they are on call whenever one of those patients goes into labor.  This means that

doctors can’t be as hands on, and depend on a nursing staff to manage a majority of your care. This also means they have to balance your care with all their other patients, so that weighs into their suggestions as well.  If its getting late, or they know they have other mothers progressing at the same time, they maybe more likely to recommend medication to hurry along your labor (and increase your labor pains) or be more likely to encourage a cesarean because in the long run it will work better for the doctor’s schedule and their patient load.  I’m not saying that doctors don’t care about you, but they do have to balance your care with everyone else’s. Sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.

Midwives are more focused on providing individual care and will be conscientious of making sure they don’t have too many mothers due at the same time to minimize the chance of not being able to give you the one-on-one care you need and hired them for.  They work a lot with making sure their mothers have a healthy diet and an appropriate amount of exercise.  I know OBGYN will talk to mothers about diet and exercise, but with people I talked to, their care was not focused on that near as much as midwives care is.

Midwives have a naturalistic view of child birth.  For them it’s about listening to the body and giving it what it needs.  An example one midwife gave us was, when a mother goes to the hospital in labor, they lay you in bed and forbid you from having anything but ice chips.  On the flip side this midwife actually encouraged walking around or sitting up, letting gravity help get the baby into position quicker.  Also the midwife compared labor to a marathon, so she encourages her mothers to drink juice and have light snacks to help keep up their strength. 

I realize I laid out a lot of information out there.  Trust me there was a lot more I left so this post didn’t get any longer.  My goal was to just let you know there is another option out there.  I do suggest that if anything you learned has piqued your interest, that you go set up a consultation and get more information for yourselves so you and your wife can make the best for her and your baby.

So remember …

Midwife vs. OBGYN - 2 of 3

So you’re going to be a dad and your wife comes to you and says, “What you think about using a midwife to deliver our baby?”.

This is the 2^nd part of a previous post.  It is a collaboration of what my wife and I learned from the three midwives we interviewed as well as the experiences of several other couples who have had kids in the past 12 months and used a variety of OBYGNs and midwives.

Difference 2 - Options  

I don’t know if you know this or not, I didn’t until recently, but doctors operate under very strict regulation by the insurance companies.  Their malpractice insurance company governs a lot of what the doctors can say or do, based on what they will cover and what they won’t cover, based on what they believe will be less likely to allow a malpractice lawsuit.  Now most of the time that means keeping you, the patient, healthy and happy, so it’s no problem.  But what happens when there is something that might be better for you the individual, that insurance won’t cover; or if there’s something you probably don’t need, but the doctor has to prescribe it for you, regardless of the side effects or the financial costs, because the doctor doesn’t want to appear negligent at any time.

A guy I knew went to the doctor for a physical, and the doctor said that his cholesterol was a little high.  Not anything to be concerned about, but the doctor wanted to prescribe him some cholesterol medication.  The guy asked his doctor about a recent article he read about taking a garlic supplement to lower cholesterol. His doctor informed him that he couldn’t advise a patient to take a supplement, because if anything were to happen, he as the doctor would be held responsible, where if prescribed a drug, the pharmaceutical company would be liable.

By no means am I trying to make doctors or anybody out to be a villain.  If I were in their shoes, I wouldn’t want to risk getting sued and/or losing my livelihood either, but it’s important for us as patients to understand where the doctors are coming from, and that you have the right and obligation to ask questions, research the treatment the doctor is wanting to put you, research other possible treatments.  Doctors might hate WebMD, but no doctor should have a problem listening to their patients and addressing their concerns. 

Midwives have more freedom to give you options.  Where doctors are given a playbook that they have to follow, midwives can lay open the doctor’s playbook and explain all the options, the likely outcomes for each option, and the costs of the different tests or procedures.  Rather than saying ‘here is the situation and when would you like to do this?’; its more, ‘here is situation, you have option A, B or C, here are the pros and cons, what would like to do?’  It’s like a team relationship versus leader, follower.

  

Using a midwife also can also offer a variety of options on where you deliver your baby.  I thought if you used a midwife that meant you would have to have your baby at home but that wasn’t the case.  Some midwives have made arrangements with certain hospitals, so they could deliver babies there if that was the parent’s choice.  Another group of midwives had an apartment that was laid out like a home, which gave the person a comfortable environment, without having to worry about what your own house looked like at delivery time. Plus, it was close to the hospital if any problems were to develop.

Something else with midwife is some have different levels of care.  If you’re like me, you seen enough medical drama to fear the unpronounceable condition that are possible.  So one of my first question for each midwife was what if something goes wrong?  They informed me that 80 percent of all pregnancy complications are foreseeable before a mother goes into labor. Depending on what the condition, there are treatments to correct the issues before it could become a risk, but if the midwife feels like the situation is over them they send you to an OBGYN.  The midwives we visited with had a list of OBGYN that were willing to take over care for a mother that was having problems, even to the day of delivery. 

For the person who likes the choices that a midwife offers, but would feel more comfort being in a hospital with an OBGYN, some midwives will serve as a birth coach of sorts.  The midwife will meet with you and find out your wishes and then during delivery when you’re preoccupied with actually having the baby, she will make sure that your wishes are followed, ask the questions you don’t even know to ask and  present you with other options than what the doctor might not have suggested.

Although midwives can offer you some benefits, there are options that you sacrifice with a midwife that an OBGYN can offer you. A doctor can write prescriptions.  Although prenatal vitamins don’t require a prescription to purchase, the prescription will typically allow them to be covered by your insurance.  That goes for sonograms as well.  Both doctors and midwives can read them, but insurance will only cover it if it was ordered by a doctor.   

Pain. This may be the deciding point right here.  Only doctors can prescribe pain medication or can perform an epidural.  So if your wife wasn’t considering going all natural, then you definitely want see an OBGYN.    

Doctors will only deliver your baby at a hospital where there is staff ready to do whatever it takes for the wellbeing of you and your baby.  At the hospital they have access to certain equipment, medicines and tools necessary to do things that just a few decades ago were unthinkable.  They have been able to deliver babies as early as 21 weeks and have them survive.  If a serious issue arose while you were seeing a midwife, you would potentially have to jump to another health care provider, whereas an OBGYN would be able to take care of you through all but the rarest conditions.

Well once again, this point was long one, so I’ll end this post here.  I have one more point on the subject and then that will be it for this series and I’ll move on to other essential insights to this whole new world of becoming a dad.

Midwife VS OBGYN - 1 of 3

So you’re going to be a dad and your wife comes to you and says "What do you think about using a midwife to deliver our baby?".

A midwife?  Weren’t those what they used in Bible times?  I thought the only people who still used midwives were hippies and the Amish.  Why would you want to use a midwife when you have access to a doctor? 

These were the questions that were going through my head.  Honestly the most important thing is make sure that my wife is comfortable and at ease with her care provider. So I had no problem going to an informational visit with a midwife.  It couldn’t hurt anything.

Now I’m not going to sway you to go with a midwife versus a doctor.  I’m not even going to tell what route my wife and I chose to pursue.  As always, my goal is to pass along tips and information that hopefully you’ll find useful.  

This will be a collaboration of what we learned from the three midwifes we interviewed, as well as the experiences of several other couples who have kids in the past 12 months and used a variety of OBGYNs and midwives.   So this will be more than just my view.  But overall I noticed 3 main differences between traditional OBGYNs and midwives.  I remind you that these are just generalities, they are not true for every doctor or midwife out there.  Nor are these the only differences, so it’s important that you really get to know the care provider before you choose them, so you know you have the best care provider for you and your wife.  

First, I wanted to clear up what a midwife is.  When someone one talks about a midwife, I think many of us picture this old grandmother-figure who lives in a cabin on the mountain and has been around, delivering babies since before modern medicine was available.  This is not the case.  Midwives take classes, receive training, intern under other midwives and receive certification.  They perform the same examinations; can read the same tests results and can give the same advice as an OBGYN.  Now Midwives do have their limits, and just like with a doctor, when they come to a situation that is out of their expertise, they refer you on to a specialist.

One point of note.  Whenever choosing a medical professional, doctor, midwife, dentist, etc, take a little time and do some checking on them.  Make sure their license is current in your state; confirm that they’re certified with who they say they are. 

There are so many news stories of doctors practicing without licenses.  It is so easy now for anyone to claim to be a professional and print something off their computer to prove it. 

With the internet it doesn’t take long to follow up and confirm what someone claims.      

Difference 1 – Cost

An average hospital birth can range anywhere from $30,000 to $50,000.  One person showed me their invoice from the hospital for their daughter’s delivery and the total at the bottom for just the hospital was over $100,000 and that didn’t include the bill for the doctor’s services for nine months.  Now all these totals are before insurance payments and discounts, but depending on your deductible and insurance plan, you will be responsible for whatever the insurance company doesn’t pay.

Now, you can’t put a price on your child’s life.  I would pay anything and work for the rest of my life for the well being of my baby.  But if there are two equally good doctors or hospitals and one charges twice as much as the other, I will probably go with the one that going to charge me less.

Midwives charge substantially less than a traditional OBGYN and may still be covered under your insurance plan.  

Why such a price difference?  Well most midwifes don’t have to carry malpractice insurance, make payments on school loans for eight-plus years of education, or have as much overhead as far as offices space, nursing staff, etc.

One couple I visited with received a very alarming notice from their insurance company regarding their recent doctor visit.  They had just discovered that they were pregnant when it turned out the husband’s employer had been making a big mistake.  Although they had been deducting the insurance payments from his check, those payments were not being made to the insurance company, so his insurance policy had been canceled.  So, one of the greatest joys in life was overshadowed with the fear of how they were going to find someone who would agree to deliver their baby without insurance.  In their situation they used a midwife out of necessity, but it turned out to a wonderful experience. 

Well, this post looks like it going to be a longer one, so before I am accused of breaking rule number two, I will let you go.  Until next time.  

Who is This Woman, and Where is My Wife?

So you're going to be a dad and your wife has been replaced by an alien clone android whose emotion chip is on the fritz.  Our wives have always been emotional at times, moody at worst, but nothing like this. We can be talking and everything is fine, and then out of nowhere she starts crying.  Other times it’s more subtle.  You how women have something they want to talk about, but aren't going to come out and say anything?  For some reason they want you to be the one to start the conversation.  You know what I'm talking about...

Long Sigh

Sweetheart, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing, are you sure?

Yeah.

Ok then.

Pause 

Sigh

Are sure there is nothing wrong?

Yes.

Pause

I’m going to be a terrible Mother

What? Why do you think that?

Because I am.

Amazing logic. 

Of course, if you have been married for a while the conversation may go more like this.

Long sigh

Anything wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Ok.

Sigh

Longer sigh

Really long sigh

(all Caps) I am going to be a terrible mother okay.

It won't always be her mothering abilities, but it will always be a baseless, self-berating comment.   Now you may never actually find yourself debating your wife mothering abilities, but there are going to be times when she is going to be depressed.  At times maybe even clinically depressed.  

One woman would have long periods where she wouldn't eat or do anything.  She would only get out of bed to go sit in the recliner and talk about how she didn't want to be pregnant anymore and she just wanted to cut the baby out.  Now her case is one of the more extreme, your wife's case may be very minor, but regardless every woman will experience depression in some form during her pregnancy.  

This is not anything to be afraid of; it’s all part of the normal transformation that your wife's body is going through to carry the baby that is growing inside her.  If you can imagine a manufacturing plant that has its normal set of products that it produces. Everything for the most part is working smoothly, then it comes down that, in addition to normal operation, you also need to work on a special "project". You can imagine the chaos and disorder that would follow as arrangements are made and regular operations adjusted and moved to accommodate the new "project."  It’s that chemical confusion and upheaval that is going on in your wife's body.

So now you know what’s going on behind the scenes, but what do you do about it?

Don't try and fix it – It’s going to be hard because when we see the love of our life upset, our first response is to fix it.  We want to know what we can do, or bring her, or say to make her feel better.  But fact is there nothing you can do to make her feel better. This is just something that she has to go through.  Just as if she had the flu there is nothing that you can do to make her better faster.  You just cling to knowledge that she will come out of it in time.

(obviously in severe cases, when your wife or the baby are in danger, seek medical help.)

Be there for her - As guys, our next inclination is going to be to leave. If there is nothing for us to fix, we'll move on.  After all, who wants to be around someone who is whiny and depressed, but the truth is, she needs you.  Now I'm not saying that you can't leave her at all.  There are going to be things that have to get done and errands that need ran.  I'm referring to the times when you could be with her, but would rather be somewhere else. Checking emails, watching TV, even reading your favorite blogs; as much as you can, try to do those activities in the same room as your wife.  You even don't have to try and start a conversation, honestly she probably won't be in the mood for talking anyway. Just be there. 

Be an encourager – This is going to be a tricky one, because when you’re around someone that is depressed or discouraged that kind of attitude can be contagious.  It wears on you.  Don’t let this happen.  If you feel this happening to you, leave.  Get up for a minute and take a break.  You are there to raise her spirits as and you can’t do that if you are slipping down to her level. 

But as much as you can, be a positive influence for her.  If she says something about how she is going to be a terrible mother, just calmly tell her that you think she’ll be a great mother.  If she refuses or denies your compliment, just let it go.  Don’t allow your encouragements to turn into an argument.  Your goal isn’t to win a battle.  You can’t reason your wife out of her depression.  All you want to do is poke holes into the canopy of her depression so when she looks up, she can see glimmers of your love shining through.

1   Its tough at times, but you get through it, because when you look at her you remember how much you love her.  It’s that love that sees you through the darkest times.

2  There are going to be some tough times ahead, but hang in there and you’ll get through this storm.  She is still the woman you fell in love with, she is just going through a tough time.  After all, if you think what you’re going through is bad, can you imagine what it is like for her?

Just remember

Just Stay Calm

So you're going to be a dad and you're feeling a little overwhelmed.  Your wife is driving you a little crazy, because everything that comes out of her mouth is about the baby.  

"We need to decide what we're going to do the nursery in.  What do you think about Circus or maybe Africa Prairies?  And we need to pick sometime to go baby registering.  Oh, on the baby's name, I have a list of 112 names that I like and thought we could go from there. Oh and dear, you really need to fix this.  It won't be safe when we have a little baby crawling around. Dear? Sweetheart? Are you listening to me?"

Yeah, I tuned out too.  It's not that we don't care about our wives or babies. Its just that the ever growing list of things that need done, decisions that need to be made, the realization that the way things have been are soon going to be no more.  It would be an overload for most us.  We have a full schedule already, and now we are expected to work in a boat load of baby tasks.  The worst of it is, our wives don't understand the pressure they’re piling on us.  They’re on their pregnancy high in perfect bliss and the only thing that can burst their bubble is when they find out we're not paying attention.  

Take a deep breath. Let's step away from the situation for a minute to look at it from a different perspective.  First, let's look at women in general.  Based on what I have seen in my wife and heard from other guys, I truly believe that women have a switch that gets flipped when they get pregnant.  You see it when birds build a nest and when a rabbit pulls it own hair out to cushion its burrow; there is a natural mothering instinct that kindof takes over and helps them to prepare to be mothers.  Guys, just so you know, we do not have any instincts to be a father.  This is why fathers in the wild eat their young. The little bear cub won't stop crying. Papa bear is like, That's it, the kid really is dead. (And goes to kill the cub.) It’s the way it works.

Don't worry, be happy. Personally, I've noticed these changes in my wife in a couple of ways, but we’ll hit more on that later.  My point is that what she is going through is normal and natural.  She has just won the lottery. As her man, we need to block out all our worries and doubts and just be happy not only for her, but for yourself as well.  I know the saying is used often, but life is too short to worry.  This is something that I have to remind myself of daily.

Enjoy her good mood.   The storms of life can be very ominous at times, but just take one day at a time.  It may not easy at times, but budgets get changed, schedules get stretched and things that you once thought were a matter of life and death have a way of fading into the background.  This is one of the good times, so enjoy this time with her, because guys, our women’s spirits aren't always going to be this good.  So take advantage of them when you can. 

I Have A Secret

So, you’re going to be a dad and you have a secret that only one other person knows.  It’s really an exciting secret, one that you want to tell the world, but when is the right time? 

Let me start off by saying there is no right answer to this question.  Whether you post it on Facebook the day you find out, or whether you wait until the hot topic of the gossip mill is whether your wife is pregnant, or just needs to join a support group to help her with her depressive crying fits and over eating.  It’s all up to you and how you want to share your big news.  What I can do is give you a few tips or things to remember when deciding the when and how. 

1. Keep in mind the statistics. 

Not to be Captain Kill Joy, but you need to know the facts.  Statistically, 20% of all pregnancies will end with miscarriage.  Now you may be saying, 1 in 5 pregnancies seems kind of high.  Remember that a miscarriage is a very difficult and personal time in a couple's life.  Most likely it wouldn't be brought up or announced by most people.

Also, of that 20% of miscarriages, about 80% of them occur in the first trimester of the pregnancy before the woman would normally start to show.

Now I don't tell you this to try and scare you or to curb your excitement. It’s just something to think about and maybe prevent you both some added heartache if your wife does have a miscarriage. 

One couple found out they were pregnant shortly before the holidays. As a fun way of announcing their good news, they printed up there Christmas cards to say "and baby."  Sadly, not long after the cards were mailed out, she lost the baby.  That Christmas turned out to be one of the most difficult for the couple because not only were they dealing with the loss of their baby, but every holiday get-together brought waves of congratulations and well wishers each of whom the couple had to tell that they were no longer pregnant. 

2. A secret never stays a secret.

When you do start telling people, just be prepared for the secret to leak.  No matter who it is, no matter how much you make them promise not to tell anyone else, the news will still spread.  Sometimes it’s an intentional break; the classic ‘I only told Jenny and she promised she wouldn't tell anyone else.’  Other times it’s an accidental slip; ‘And my daughter just found out she expecting her first ... oh wait.’  Either way your secret is still out and it will spread.

My wife and I had picked a time frame when we were going to start sharing our news and we had picked a few close friends and family that we wanted to tell in person before posting it was “Facebook official”.  Well, one close family member's birthday was coming up and it was decided that one of the gifts would be the news about her being a grandma.  This was still several weeks before we had planned to start telling people, but it was her birthday and we thought it would be special. 

Well when she found out, she was very excited and after the congratulations, we stressed to her it wasn't public knowledge yet and to just keep it under her hat for the time being.  She said she understood and that was that.

A little over a week later, my brother came to me and asked the question if we were expecting?  It turns out that the person who had had their birthday had bumped into an old friend who she hadn't seen in a long time.  The news was shared with this long lost person, who happen to have a daughter of her own.  That daughter just happened to be dating a guy who just happened to be a good friend of my brother.  So I was forced to make the awkward confession that we were expecting a baby and reassuring my brother that we had intended to tell him ourselves when the baby was a little farther along.

My brother said he understood, but I could still tell he was hurt. 

The next few days were a mad dash to meet with friends and family to tell them in person our new before the rumors made it around.

Moral of the story, when you start telling people, do it quickly before someone else does.

3. Make it special

This last tip is totally up to you, but make sure to take a little time to give it some thought.  The news that you are having your first child is not only exciting for you, but also for those around you that love and care for you.  Those people are going to be excited for you no matter what, but the way you tell them can add to the excitement and enjoyment for not only the people you are telling , but for you as well.  It can be as simple or elaborate as you choose.  It can be as simple as wrapping up a present with a picture or note to something as complicated as writing a song that you sing and post on YouTube.  If you are at a loss for ideas, try looking at Pinterest or YouTube.  Just remember you will only get to tell the world that you are having your first child once.

However and whenever you decide to share your news will be perfect, because it will be what you've decided to do.  These are just a few things to think about when making that decision.

Well, I’m going to stop before I get accused of breaking promise #2.  Until next week.

You're Going to Be A Dad

So, you've just found out that you're going to be a dad.  My life altering surprise came on Christmas day.  I spend a full minute stuck on the repeating track, "Really?  You're serious? Are you sure? Wow.  You're really serious?"  No matter whether you were trying or not, you're never fully prepared for the news.  For me, I was ecstatic for the whole day.  We're going to have a baby.  I get to have one of those sweet, precious little babies for my very own.  I can hold it for as long as I want.  I get to rock it and sing to it and never let go.

Looking back I may have been thinking of a puppy instead of a baby.  But you get the idea that I was excited.  I too, had heard it said that when you find out you’re expecting that it is like no other feeling in the world.  Normally I don't put much stock in those kinds of sayings, but this time it did ring true for me.  It’s almost unnatural how happy and excited I was.

The next morning though, I woke at 4:30 in morning in a dry sweat with the same thought. "We're having a baby."  Oh man, how are we going to afford a baby?  Who will we get to watch the kid while we're at work, or should my wife quit and stay at home?  How can we manage it financially if my wife does quit?  With the rising costs of child care, how can we afford to pay for daycare even if my wife did keep working?  And that's not even the half of it.  What about clothes and food and diapers ... 

The list goes on and on. 

Well I had just calmed down from that little panic attack, when next came the homework.  Now, I don't have a problem with a little reading or research from time to time, but the list of books my wife starts putting together looked like the reading list for a law student.  And those books aren't small either.  They’re big books with tiny print and few pictures and the pictures they do have aren’t necessarily anything you want to look at for very long or very often.  In all the books my wife found, I didn't see any books for Dads  There was no Easy Baby 1, 2, 3, for Dads, or a much more necessary volume, The Guy's Survival Guide for a Pregnant Wife.   Because lets be honest, as much as it interesting to know what's going on with your baby this week, it would much more helpful to know what kind of mood our wives are going to be in this week. I mean, we've all heard the horror stories of the emotional roller coaster that our lovely ladies are now on.  And we're handcuffed to them for the whole ride.

So in lieu of the lack of Dad help guides out there, I am starting this blog for other new fathers out there.  I'm not going to claim to be an expert.  There are no capital letters after my name.  I'm just a regular guy on a journey to parenthood.  If you're feeling lost or overwhelmed, and are just looking for someone who is going through the same things you are, my hope is that I can be of help to you.

Everybody’s situation is different.  We all have different wives, lives, and babies, so I can't guarantee that everything that happens to me will be applicable to you.  But I do make these pledges to you.

1. I will always be informative - Each post will have something that will hopefully be of help to you and your family. Whatever tidbits, facts and good to know info that I come a crossed or learn, I will do my best to past it on to you. And if there is something that you've learned, you're more than welcome to return the favor.

2. I will always be short - I'm a guy.  I don't have the time or desire to read through a long drawn out tail of someone else life.  So I will strive for that balance of imparting the important facts with real world examples.

 

3. I will keep it enjoyable - I love humor and having a good laugh to brighten my day, so I will always try to keep my posts enjoyable to read.  Now, some of the topics that come up might be more on the serious side, so you may not get a laugh every time.  But I will try to make sure you won't be bored.

Well there it is.  You know my reasons for writing this blog and my promises to you, the reader.  The journey ahead of us is long, with some amazing highs and unbelievable lows. 

I don't know where this twist in the ride of life will take us now, but hang on tight, because this is only the beginning and it's going to be like nothing we’ve ever experienced before.