Midwife VS OBGYN - 1 of 3

So you’re going to be a dad and your wife comes to you and says "What do you think about using a midwife to deliver our baby?".

A midwife?  Weren’t those what they used in Bible times?  I thought the only people who still used midwives were hippies and the Amish.  Why would you want to use a midwife when you have access to a doctor? 

These were the questions that were going through my head.  Honestly the most important thing is make sure that my wife is comfortable and at ease with her care provider. So I had no problem going to an informational visit with a midwife.  It couldn’t hurt anything.

Now I’m not going to sway you to go with a midwife versus a doctor.  I’m not even going to tell what route my wife and I chose to pursue.  As always, my goal is to pass along tips and information that hopefully you’ll find useful.  

This will be a collaboration of what we learned from the three midwifes we interviewed, as well as the experiences of several other couples who have kids in the past 12 months and used a variety of OBGYNs and midwives.   So this will be more than just my view.  But overall I noticed 3 main differences between traditional OBGYNs and midwives.  I remind you that these are just generalities, they are not true for every doctor or midwife out there.  Nor are these the only differences, so it’s important that you really get to know the care provider before you choose them, so you know you have the best care provider for you and your wife.  

First, I wanted to clear up what a midwife is.  When someone one talks about a midwife, I think many of us picture this old grandmother-figure who lives in a cabin on the mountain and has been around, delivering babies since before modern medicine was available.  This is not the case.  Midwives take classes, receive training, intern under other midwives and receive certification.  They perform the same examinations; can read the same tests results and can give the same advice as an OBGYN.  Now Midwives do have their limits, and just like with a doctor, when they come to a situation that is out of their expertise, they refer you on to a specialist.

One point of note.  Whenever choosing a medical professional, doctor, midwife, dentist, etc, take a little time and do some checking on them.  Make sure their license is current in your state; confirm that they’re certified with who they say they are. 

There are so many news stories of doctors practicing without licenses.  It is so easy now for anyone to claim to be a professional and print something off their computer to prove it. 

With the internet it doesn’t take long to follow up and confirm what someone claims.      

Difference 1 – Cost

An average hospital birth can range anywhere from $30,000 to $50,000.  One person showed me their invoice from the hospital for their daughter’s delivery and the total at the bottom for just the hospital was over $100,000 and that didn’t include the bill for the doctor’s services for nine months.  Now all these totals are before insurance payments and discounts, but depending on your deductible and insurance plan, you will be responsible for whatever the insurance company doesn’t pay.

Now, you can’t put a price on your child’s life.  I would pay anything and work for the rest of my life for the well being of my baby.  But if there are two equally good doctors or hospitals and one charges twice as much as the other, I will probably go with the one that going to charge me less.

Midwives charge substantially less than a traditional OBGYN and may still be covered under your insurance plan.  

Why such a price difference?  Well most midwifes don’t have to carry malpractice insurance, make payments on school loans for eight-plus years of education, or have as much overhead as far as offices space, nursing staff, etc.

One couple I visited with received a very alarming notice from their insurance company regarding their recent doctor visit.  They had just discovered that they were pregnant when it turned out the husband’s employer had been making a big mistake.  Although they had been deducting the insurance payments from his check, those payments were not being made to the insurance company, so his insurance policy had been canceled.  So, one of the greatest joys in life was overshadowed with the fear of how they were going to find someone who would agree to deliver their baby without insurance.  In their situation they used a midwife out of necessity, but it turned out to a wonderful experience. 

Well, this post looks like it going to be a longer one, so before I am accused of breaking rule number two, I will let you go.  Until next time.  

Who is This Woman, and Where is My Wife?

So you're going to be a dad and your wife has been replaced by an alien clone android whose emotion chip is on the fritz.  Our wives have always been emotional at times, moody at worst, but nothing like this. We can be talking and everything is fine, and then out of nowhere she starts crying.  Other times it’s more subtle.  You how women have something they want to talk about, but aren't going to come out and say anything?  For some reason they want you to be the one to start the conversation.  You know what I'm talking about...

Long Sigh

Sweetheart, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing, are you sure?

Yeah.

Ok then.

Pause 

Sigh

Are sure there is nothing wrong?

Yes.

Pause

I’m going to be a terrible Mother

What? Why do you think that?

Because I am.

Amazing logic. 

Of course, if you have been married for a while the conversation may go more like this.

Long sigh

Anything wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Ok.

Sigh

Longer sigh

Really long sigh

(all Caps) I am going to be a terrible mother okay.

It won't always be her mothering abilities, but it will always be a baseless, self-berating comment.   Now you may never actually find yourself debating your wife mothering abilities, but there are going to be times when she is going to be depressed.  At times maybe even clinically depressed.  

One woman would have long periods where she wouldn't eat or do anything.  She would only get out of bed to go sit in the recliner and talk about how she didn't want to be pregnant anymore and she just wanted to cut the baby out.  Now her case is one of the more extreme, your wife's case may be very minor, but regardless every woman will experience depression in some form during her pregnancy.  

This is not anything to be afraid of; it’s all part of the normal transformation that your wife's body is going through to carry the baby that is growing inside her.  If you can imagine a manufacturing plant that has its normal set of products that it produces. Everything for the most part is working smoothly, then it comes down that, in addition to normal operation, you also need to work on a special "project". You can imagine the chaos and disorder that would follow as arrangements are made and regular operations adjusted and moved to accommodate the new "project."  It’s that chemical confusion and upheaval that is going on in your wife's body.

So now you know what’s going on behind the scenes, but what do you do about it?

Don't try and fix it – It’s going to be hard because when we see the love of our life upset, our first response is to fix it.  We want to know what we can do, or bring her, or say to make her feel better.  But fact is there nothing you can do to make her feel better. This is just something that she has to go through.  Just as if she had the flu there is nothing that you can do to make her better faster.  You just cling to knowledge that she will come out of it in time.

(obviously in severe cases, when your wife or the baby are in danger, seek medical help.)

Be there for her - As guys, our next inclination is going to be to leave. If there is nothing for us to fix, we'll move on.  After all, who wants to be around someone who is whiny and depressed, but the truth is, she needs you.  Now I'm not saying that you can't leave her at all.  There are going to be things that have to get done and errands that need ran.  I'm referring to the times when you could be with her, but would rather be somewhere else. Checking emails, watching TV, even reading your favorite blogs; as much as you can, try to do those activities in the same room as your wife.  You even don't have to try and start a conversation, honestly she probably won't be in the mood for talking anyway. Just be there. 

Be an encourager – This is going to be a tricky one, because when you’re around someone that is depressed or discouraged that kind of attitude can be contagious.  It wears on you.  Don’t let this happen.  If you feel this happening to you, leave.  Get up for a minute and take a break.  You are there to raise her spirits as and you can’t do that if you are slipping down to her level. 

But as much as you can, be a positive influence for her.  If she says something about how she is going to be a terrible mother, just calmly tell her that you think she’ll be a great mother.  If she refuses or denies your compliment, just let it go.  Don’t allow your encouragements to turn into an argument.  Your goal isn’t to win a battle.  You can’t reason your wife out of her depression.  All you want to do is poke holes into the canopy of her depression so when she looks up, she can see glimmers of your love shining through.

1   Its tough at times, but you get through it, because when you look at her you remember how much you love her.  It’s that love that sees you through the darkest times.

2  There are going to be some tough times ahead, but hang in there and you’ll get through this storm.  She is still the woman you fell in love with, she is just going through a tough time.  After all, if you think what you’re going through is bad, can you imagine what it is like for her?

Just remember

Just Stay Calm

So you're going to be a dad and you're feeling a little overwhelmed.  Your wife is driving you a little crazy, because everything that comes out of her mouth is about the baby.  

"We need to decide what we're going to do the nursery in.  What do you think about Circus or maybe Africa Prairies?  And we need to pick sometime to go baby registering.  Oh, on the baby's name, I have a list of 112 names that I like and thought we could go from there. Oh and dear, you really need to fix this.  It won't be safe when we have a little baby crawling around. Dear? Sweetheart? Are you listening to me?"

Yeah, I tuned out too.  It's not that we don't care about our wives or babies. Its just that the ever growing list of things that need done, decisions that need to be made, the realization that the way things have been are soon going to be no more.  It would be an overload for most us.  We have a full schedule already, and now we are expected to work in a boat load of baby tasks.  The worst of it is, our wives don't understand the pressure they’re piling on us.  They’re on their pregnancy high in perfect bliss and the only thing that can burst their bubble is when they find out we're not paying attention.  

Take a deep breath. Let's step away from the situation for a minute to look at it from a different perspective.  First, let's look at women in general.  Based on what I have seen in my wife and heard from other guys, I truly believe that women have a switch that gets flipped when they get pregnant.  You see it when birds build a nest and when a rabbit pulls it own hair out to cushion its burrow; there is a natural mothering instinct that kindof takes over and helps them to prepare to be mothers.  Guys, just so you know, we do not have any instincts to be a father.  This is why fathers in the wild eat their young. The little bear cub won't stop crying. Papa bear is like, That's it, the kid really is dead. (And goes to kill the cub.) It’s the way it works.

Don't worry, be happy. Personally, I've noticed these changes in my wife in a couple of ways, but we’ll hit more on that later.  My point is that what she is going through is normal and natural.  She has just won the lottery. As her man, we need to block out all our worries and doubts and just be happy not only for her, but for yourself as well.  I know the saying is used often, but life is too short to worry.  This is something that I have to remind myself of daily.

Enjoy her good mood.   The storms of life can be very ominous at times, but just take one day at a time.  It may not easy at times, but budgets get changed, schedules get stretched and things that you once thought were a matter of life and death have a way of fading into the background.  This is one of the good times, so enjoy this time with her, because guys, our women’s spirits aren't always going to be this good.  So take advantage of them when you can. 

I Have A Secret

So, you’re going to be a dad and you have a secret that only one other person knows.  It’s really an exciting secret, one that you want to tell the world, but when is the right time? 

Let me start off by saying there is no right answer to this question.  Whether you post it on Facebook the day you find out, or whether you wait until the hot topic of the gossip mill is whether your wife is pregnant, or just needs to join a support group to help her with her depressive crying fits and over eating.  It’s all up to you and how you want to share your big news.  What I can do is give you a few tips or things to remember when deciding the when and how. 

1. Keep in mind the statistics. 

Not to be Captain Kill Joy, but you need to know the facts.  Statistically, 20% of all pregnancies will end with miscarriage.  Now you may be saying, 1 in 5 pregnancies seems kind of high.  Remember that a miscarriage is a very difficult and personal time in a couple's life.  Most likely it wouldn't be brought up or announced by most people.

Also, of that 20% of miscarriages, about 80% of them occur in the first trimester of the pregnancy before the woman would normally start to show.

Now I don't tell you this to try and scare you or to curb your excitement. It’s just something to think about and maybe prevent you both some added heartache if your wife does have a miscarriage. 

One couple found out they were pregnant shortly before the holidays. As a fun way of announcing their good news, they printed up there Christmas cards to say "and baby."  Sadly, not long after the cards were mailed out, she lost the baby.  That Christmas turned out to be one of the most difficult for the couple because not only were they dealing with the loss of their baby, but every holiday get-together brought waves of congratulations and well wishers each of whom the couple had to tell that they were no longer pregnant. 

2. A secret never stays a secret.

When you do start telling people, just be prepared for the secret to leak.  No matter who it is, no matter how much you make them promise not to tell anyone else, the news will still spread.  Sometimes it’s an intentional break; the classic ‘I only told Jenny and she promised she wouldn't tell anyone else.’  Other times it’s an accidental slip; ‘And my daughter just found out she expecting her first ... oh wait.’  Either way your secret is still out and it will spread.

My wife and I had picked a time frame when we were going to start sharing our news and we had picked a few close friends and family that we wanted to tell in person before posting it was “Facebook official”.  Well, one close family member's birthday was coming up and it was decided that one of the gifts would be the news about her being a grandma.  This was still several weeks before we had planned to start telling people, but it was her birthday and we thought it would be special. 

Well when she found out, she was very excited and after the congratulations, we stressed to her it wasn't public knowledge yet and to just keep it under her hat for the time being.  She said she understood and that was that.

A little over a week later, my brother came to me and asked the question if we were expecting?  It turns out that the person who had had their birthday had bumped into an old friend who she hadn't seen in a long time.  The news was shared with this long lost person, who happen to have a daughter of her own.  That daughter just happened to be dating a guy who just happened to be a good friend of my brother.  So I was forced to make the awkward confession that we were expecting a baby and reassuring my brother that we had intended to tell him ourselves when the baby was a little farther along.

My brother said he understood, but I could still tell he was hurt. 

The next few days were a mad dash to meet with friends and family to tell them in person our new before the rumors made it around.

Moral of the story, when you start telling people, do it quickly before someone else does.

3. Make it special

This last tip is totally up to you, but make sure to take a little time to give it some thought.  The news that you are having your first child is not only exciting for you, but also for those around you that love and care for you.  Those people are going to be excited for you no matter what, but the way you tell them can add to the excitement and enjoyment for not only the people you are telling , but for you as well.  It can be as simple or elaborate as you choose.  It can be as simple as wrapping up a present with a picture or note to something as complicated as writing a song that you sing and post on YouTube.  If you are at a loss for ideas, try looking at Pinterest or YouTube.  Just remember you will only get to tell the world that you are having your first child once.

However and whenever you decide to share your news will be perfect, because it will be what you've decided to do.  These are just a few things to think about when making that decision.

Well, I’m going to stop before I get accused of breaking promise #2.  Until next week.